What I Live With Every Day

I started developing symptoms of fibromyalgia in 2001. Back then, it didn't have a name. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought I was a hypochondriac or maybe just stupid. It wasn't until 2006 that a rheumatologist was able to put a face to this problem for me. I was diagnosed in April 2006. Nothing has gotten better since then but at least there's a name for what I'm up against every day.

Fibromyalgia is not "just in my head." It won't kill me, but some days I wish I would just die because I don't have the energy to live my life. I have no control over when I feel good and when I feel terrible. Fibromyalgia never goes away. If I am able to function normally, it means I'm having a good day. I can have good days, or weeks or even months. Just because I'm having a good day does mean I'm not in pain and it doesn't mean I'm not exhausted. It just means that on that particular day I'm able to overcome it just to live my life. A good morning can quickly turn into a terrible afternoon. I get a feeling like someone has pulled out a plug and all the energy has run out of my body. I can get irritable during these flares, and suddenly get more sensitive to noise or touch or just collapse from deadening fatigue. I may just suddenly feel awful. I can't warn anyone when this is going to happen because there's just no way for me to know.

Fibromyalgics have a different kind of pain that is hard to treat. It is not caused by inflammation like an injurty. It is not a constant ache in one place like a broken bone. It moves around my body daily and hourly and changes in severity and type. Sometimes it is dull and sometimes is is cramping or prickly. Sometimes it's jabbing and excruciating. If Eskimos have a hundred words for snow, fibromyalgics have them for pain. The pain has no rhyme or reason. Sometimes wearing clothes or even showering seems impossible because the feel of anything on my skin causes agony.

Because I feel bad most of the time I am always pushing myself, and sometimes I push myself too hard. When this happens, I pay for it. Sometimes if I can summon the strength to do something special I will have to rest for a few days afterward because my body can only make so much energy. These are called flares. During these flares my fatige level and sensitivity is greatly increased, and almost anything can cause pain. During these times I will just want to be held, but I can't because it hurts too much for anyone to touch me.

I get depressed a lot. I feel alone and useless and it's hard. I get angry and frustrated and I can have nasty mood swings. Sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable but just can't admit it. Most days I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay it bed. It's so hard.

There are other symptoms, ilke irritable bowel and pelvic pain that take a toll on my personal life. These can be embarrassing to talk about but they never go away.

Fibromyalgia is real. A lot of people don't believe that it is but they don't have to live with the pain of it every day. It's important to my that the people in my life believe me when I say that I am not without ambition, and I'm not "just lazy." I have dreams and I have things that I want to achieve in life but my disability makes it harder for me. I can't participate in a lot of things I'd like to. I can't work full time, which makes it difficult to help support myself and my family. But I am still human. And that's what's important.

Last Night

Last night two things happened. One was our office Christmas party, at which we were able to make an appearance but not able to stay. The other was the theater! Spencer's mom bought us tickets to go see A Christmas Carol at Hale Center Theater. It was so much fun! I haven't seen that show in years and I really enjoyed it. It was so much fun to sit there with my new family to enjoy the spirit of the Christmas season. Just makes me wish even more that Christmas would come even sooner!

Looking Forward to Christmas

I'm so excited for this year. I've got Spencer's presents all ready, I just have to wrap them and put them under the tree! I think I might do that today after work. This year my dad said that instead of a present he wanted me to come over and cook him a nice dinner. So since he actually has Christmass off for the first time in like six years, Spencer and I are going over to his house on Christmas to spend the day there and I will make him dinner there. Christmas Eve we will spend the evening with Spencer's parents, because they always have their Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. I'm going to make my ham and potato soup with bread bowls (if I can find them. I want them fresh!). Then I'm thinking I might make a sweet potato pie. Or maybe peach. I don't know. Some kind of pie. I suppose it depends on what kind my dad wants! And there was something else I was going to make but I can't remember what....It's hard to think this early in the morning on a monday. Especially when Christmas is so close! I know what I'd like for Christmas but I have no idea what I'm getting! I can't wait to find out!

The First Step

So for years I've dreamed of someday owning my own bakery. I've found great joy in baking things for family and friends for their holiday parties or office parties or just because they want something. Today I took the first step in someday starting that business. I made a pumpkin cheesecake for an office party we were having today. It got rave reviews, everyone who tried it absolutely loved it. Well one of my coworkers asked me if I would be willing to make a couple cheesecakes for her family holiday party, and she said she'd be willing to pay me to do it! So I officially have my first holiday cake order! I'm so excited, I really want them to turn out! I'm actually kind of nervous now that something will go wrong! But if this is meant to be then it will work out fine. I just have to trust myself and God and have faith that this will work. But I'm so excited!

Should I or Shouldn't I...

I've been contemplating doing something new and exciting with my life. Currently Spencer are I are doing pretty well making a living at our current jobs, but if we ever want to move into a nicer place or afford to have children, at least one of us will need to get a different job. We just don't make enough as it is. I've been thinking about the possibility of getting certified to be a Pharmacy Technician. The certification program through SLCC takes about a year to complete, and all together costs between $2500-$3000, which is a lot less than the career colleges in the area, which can range from $12,000 up for an eighteen-month program. So I was considering that. My one problem is my current job: I don't ever want to leave. I mean yeah, the job can be really stressful, but I love the people here. I've been here for two years and I'm so completely settled in; I'm comfortable with my work and my commute (or lack thereof) and the people I work with. I generally don't like change, even if it is my idea. But as a pharm tech, I would be able to make more money. I just don't know what to do. I have an appointment with an academic advisor this wednesday. Hopefully after I meet with someone and have some questions answered I'll feel a little more confident about where to go. I just don't know if this is the right direction or not. Hmmm.

Life is Wonderful

I'm sure there are a few people who are going to say that I'm still in the "honeymoon phase" and will probably change my perspective in a couple years. I find it unhealthy to think that if I'm excited or satisfied or content or happy with my life now, that just means that my perspective on life is somehow skewed and that it will be "fixed" in a couple years. And, quite frankly, if that is true, then I find that all the more reason to enjoy these feelings while they last.

I feel so incredibly blessed. My husband is so wonderful, and we have such a great relationship. We are able to be completely honest with each other, and can work through any issues without getting defensive or attacking the other. We have everything we need to get by each month; enough to put into savings and enough left over to give us most of what we want. I have a wonderful family. I feel like in the last few years I have learned a lot about life; there is so much joy to be had from it. Things don't matter. We could have a small apartment or a mansion; a giant tv or none at all; all the toys in the world or just each other. It doesn't matter because when we die, we don't get to take it with us. It seems like there's no point in making attachments to superficial, temporary things. What matters are the lessons we learn from life, how we treat people, and, most importantly, the relationships we form with those we love.

I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and I feel like that's all I really need to be happy in life. He takes wonderful care of me. When Spence and I were in a pre-marital communication class, they told us something we hadn't thought of (actually lots of things, but one thing in particular that I kept with me): That marriage isn't about each person giving 50/50, or one giving more or less so you meet in the middle. It's about each person giving 100% every day. And some days that's not possible; you just can't do it. But it's important to keep that perspective. Even if the other person isn't giving 100%, you still need to try. I don't feel the need to be famous or rich or to do something grand and important in my life. I'm already doing something important because I'm important to him. He loves me. And that's really all that matters.

Tree!

So we got a tree today! I was so excited to get our first real tree together! Our eyes were a little big and we ended up getting a tree just a little too big for our apartment, but it's great! After we finished decorating the tree, we turned off all the lights (except the tree of course) and sat down and drank hot chocolate and just talked. It was a wonderful start to our first Christmas together. I love Christmas time! The first pictures here are Spence and I putting up the first ornaments. Enjoy!