What I Live With Every Day

I started developing symptoms of fibromyalgia in 2001. Back then, it didn't have a name. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought I was a hypochondriac or maybe just stupid. It wasn't until 2006 that a rheumatologist was able to put a face to this problem for me. I was diagnosed in April 2006. Nothing has gotten better since then but at least there's a name for what I'm up against every day.

Fibromyalgia is not "just in my head." It won't kill me, but some days I wish I would just die because I don't have the energy to live my life. I have no control over when I feel good and when I feel terrible. Fibromyalgia never goes away. If I am able to function normally, it means I'm having a good day. I can have good days, or weeks or even months. Just because I'm having a good day does mean I'm not in pain and it doesn't mean I'm not exhausted. It just means that on that particular day I'm able to overcome it just to live my life. A good morning can quickly turn into a terrible afternoon. I get a feeling like someone has pulled out a plug and all the energy has run out of my body. I can get irritable during these flares, and suddenly get more sensitive to noise or touch or just collapse from deadening fatigue. I may just suddenly feel awful. I can't warn anyone when this is going to happen because there's just no way for me to know.

Fibromyalgics have a different kind of pain that is hard to treat. It is not caused by inflammation like an injurty. It is not a constant ache in one place like a broken bone. It moves around my body daily and hourly and changes in severity and type. Sometimes it is dull and sometimes is is cramping or prickly. Sometimes it's jabbing and excruciating. If Eskimos have a hundred words for snow, fibromyalgics have them for pain. The pain has no rhyme or reason. Sometimes wearing clothes or even showering seems impossible because the feel of anything on my skin causes agony.

Because I feel bad most of the time I am always pushing myself, and sometimes I push myself too hard. When this happens, I pay for it. Sometimes if I can summon the strength to do something special I will have to rest for a few days afterward because my body can only make so much energy. These are called flares. During these flares my fatige level and sensitivity is greatly increased, and almost anything can cause pain. During these times I will just want to be held, but I can't because it hurts too much for anyone to touch me.

I get depressed a lot. I feel alone and useless and it's hard. I get angry and frustrated and I can have nasty mood swings. Sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable but just can't admit it. Most days I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay it bed. It's so hard.

There are other symptoms, ilke irritable bowel and pelvic pain that take a toll on my personal life. These can be embarrassing to talk about but they never go away.

Fibromyalgia is real. A lot of people don't believe that it is but they don't have to live with the pain of it every day. It's important to my that the people in my life believe me when I say that I am not without ambition, and I'm not "just lazy." I have dreams and I have things that I want to achieve in life but my disability makes it harder for me. I can't participate in a lot of things I'd like to. I can't work full time, which makes it difficult to help support myself and my family. But I am still human. And that's what's important.