My eggnog cheesecake. Yummm!!!!
My puppy after she just got a treat.
This is the wall hanging my dad bought us.
Spencer looking at one of his presents.
The sock puppet Spencer's mom made for us....for some reason.
Spence and I at Christmas Eve dinner.
Fibromyalgia is not "just in my head." It won't kill me, but some days I wish I would just die because I don't have the energy to live my life. I have no control over when I feel good and when I feel terrible. Fibromyalgia never goes away. If I am able to function normally, it means I'm having a good day. I can have good days, or weeks or even months. Just because I'm having a good day does mean I'm not in pain and it doesn't mean I'm not exhausted. It just means that on that particular day I'm able to overcome it just to live my life. A good morning can quickly turn into a terrible afternoon. I get a feeling like someone has pulled out a plug and all the energy has run out of my body. I can get irritable during these flares, and suddenly get more sensitive to noise or touch or just collapse from deadening fatigue. I may just suddenly feel awful. I can't warn anyone when this is going to happen because there's just no way for me to know.
Fibromyalgics have a different kind of pain that is hard to treat. It is not caused by inflammation like an injurty. It is not a constant ache in one place like a broken bone. It moves around my body daily and hourly and changes in severity and type. Sometimes it is dull and sometimes is is cramping or prickly. Sometimes it's jabbing and excruciating. If Eskimos have a hundred words for snow, fibromyalgics have them for pain. The pain has no rhyme or reason. Sometimes wearing clothes or even showering seems impossible because the feel of anything on my skin causes agony.
Because I feel bad most of the time I am always pushing myself, and sometimes I push myself too hard. When this happens, I pay for it. Sometimes if I can summon the strength to do something special I will have to rest for a few days afterward because my body can only make so much energy. These are called flares. During these flares my fatige level and sensitivity is greatly increased, and almost anything can cause pain. During these times I will just want to be held, but I can't because it hurts too much for anyone to touch me.
I get depressed a lot. I feel alone and useless and it's hard. I get angry and frustrated and I can have nasty mood swings. Sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable but just can't admit it. Most days I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay it bed. It's so hard.
There are other symptoms, ilke irritable bowel and pelvic pain that take a toll on my personal life. These can be embarrassing to talk about but they never go away.
Fibromyalgia is real. A lot of people don't believe that it is but they don't have to live with the pain of it every day. It's important to my that the people in my life believe me when I say that I am not without ambition, and I'm not "just lazy." I have dreams and I have things that I want to achieve in life but my disability makes it harder for me. I can't participate in a lot of things I'd like to. I can't work full time, which makes it difficult to help support myself and my family. But I am still human. And that's what's important.
So for years I've dreamed of someday owning my own bakery. I've found great joy in baking things for family and friends for their holiday parties or office parties or just because they want something. Today I took the first step in someday starting that business. I made a pumpkin cheesecake for an office party we were having today. It got rave reviews, everyone who tried it absolutely loved it. Well one of my coworkers asked me if I would be willing to make a couple cheesecakes for her family holiday party, and she said she'd be willing to pay me to do it! So I officially have my first holiday cake order! I'm so excited, I really want them to turn out! I'm actually kind of nervous now that something will go wrong! But if this is meant to be then it will work out fine. I just have to trust myself and God and have faith that this will work. But I'm so excited!
I feel so incredibly blessed. My husband is so wonderful, and we have such a great relationship. We are able to be completely honest with each other, and can work through any issues without getting defensive or attacking the other. We have everything we need to get by each month; enough to put into savings and enough left over to give us most of what we want. I have a wonderful family. I feel like in the last few years I have learned a lot about life; there is so much joy to be had from it. Things don't matter. We could have a small apartment or a mansion; a giant tv or none at all; all the toys in the world or just each other. It doesn't matter because when we die, we don't get to take it with us. It seems like there's no point in making attachments to superficial, temporary things. What matters are the lessons we learn from life, how we treat people, and, most importantly, the relationships we form with those we love.
I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and I feel like that's all I really need to be happy in life. He takes wonderful care of me. When Spence and I were in a pre-marital communication class, they told us something we hadn't thought of (actually lots of things, but one thing in particular that I kept with me): That marriage isn't about each person giving 50/50, or one giving more or less so you meet in the middle. It's about each person giving 100% every day. And some days that's not possible; you just can't do it. But it's important to keep that perspective. Even if the other person isn't giving 100%, you still need to try. I don't feel the need to be famous or rich or to do something grand and important in my life. I'm already doing something important because I'm important to him. He loves me. And that's really all that matters.
This was so cute. When we were loading up the moving truck the dog jumped in and lied down. We couldn't get her out of the truck! It was like she wanted to come with us. :)
This was our first sunday dinner together as a married couple. I was quite proud of the meal. I made a pot roast with carrots and cheesy potatoes. If we could eat that every day, we'd both be happy people.
And here is Spencer playing Wii boxing. I was bored and amused by his enthusiasm so I took a picture.
Yeah I'm bored today. Is it that obvious?
My sister's husband, Paul, got into a car crash on the way to pick up Jack from school. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but their van is totalled. Paul's out of the hospital but still out of commission. We're just all thanking God that Jack wasn't in the car. Paul's doing ok, but there's no saying what kind of long-term damage will come from this. It doesn't take much to screw up your neck and back and stuff, and he got a pretty nast concussion.
A friend of mine from high school just found out that her identity was stolen. Someone in california got ahold of her credit card number and charged a couple thousand dollars worth of stuff to it. We're all hoping the company is nice to her and doesn't make her pay for it. But that royally bites for her. Makes me want to be even more careful. We all think stuff like that always happens to someone else, until it doesn't. You know?
I swear I've been completely bipolar lately. I keep going back and forth between these moods. One minute I will just be completely elated. So happy I actually cry and I feel like life is wonderful and nothing can ever happen to make it otherwise. And then something even mildly sucky will happen and I will fly off the deep end completely. I'll break down and sob and pick fights with Spencer who totally deserves better than that and I'll be depressed and miserable. It's starting to get on my nerves because it's like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I'm already taking a high dose of antidepressants for my anxiety disorder. So why do I keep getting so depressed all the time?
My Wedding Scrapbook. Oh and here's another one. Enjoy!
Haha it is now officially winter and that means Christmas! Spencer let me put up some of our christmas decorations the other day. He says I can decorate inside all I want but I'm not allowed to decorate outside yet. He says I have to wait AT LEAST another week. I don't agree. Christmas in my family starts the day after halloween. I'll have to find my cable for my camera so I can upload pictures. When we moved I have NO IDEA where that cord went. So currently my camera has no way to connect to my computer. Dang.
Anyway, we woke up this morning and there was lots of snow everywhere. It's really slow at work because no one wants to make the trip in because of the weather. That works for me. Makes the day a little slower but I'm not about to complain about slow business.
So Spencer and I went to his grandmother Eva's funeral saturday morning. Something was just not right there! Spencer's mother Lana and her sisters were all running around with their cameras taking pictures of the body in the casket! It was so wrong. I'm like, what are you going to do with those pictures, scrapbook them? And then one of Lana's sisters was complaining because she didn't bring her video recorder. She said she wanted to record the funeral ceremony. I'm sorry but that is just wrong. It's not like you're going to sit your family down and watch it after dinner on holidays or something! Spence and I were horrified. He wasn't too surprised but let me tell you, it was so uncomfortable. The ceremony lasted three hours. I was about ready to pass out by the time we finally got to leave.
One good thing on saturday was that Spencer and I got to have his brothers Jeremy and Shaun over to our apartment for dinner. I made ham and potato soup and served it in bread bowls, and then I made a peach cobbler for dessert. It was really good and the boys loved it! Even Shaun, who rarely says anything to me, told me it was delicious! So that made me feel really good.
Sunday was such a soggy day. It was great. It rained all day and all the leaves formed a paste all over the sidewalk. Spence and I spent the whole day lying on our bed playing video games and eating junk food. It was the perfect fall day! We didn't eat any real food until we went to his parent's for dinner. It was great!
So we're back from the honeymoon and have has some time to settle in and get our pictures developed. So here they are! We had a great time at Disneyland and California Adventures. We even were able to make an evening trip down to Laguna Beach for a gourmet dinner with some of my family who live in that area. Lots of good food, lots of wine, lots of love...what more could you ask for? So here's some pictures from our trip!
Spencer and I just went nuts today. We had a great time on the trip but we just wanted to come home! I hadn't seen my dog in like a week and it was driving me insane!
Anyway, expect to see pictures and details in a couple days here!