On a lighter note...

Ok, I'm calm now. And since I have officially calmed down, for the moment, I'll write about all the good things that happened this weekend. Because there were a few. They just get overshadowed when I'm freaking out about everything.

Friday marked 6 months of being married. I celebrated early by getting up at 5:30 in the morning to go to the scrapbook expo with my friend Becca. I was only there til about noon but I had an awesome time. I got a bunch of great deals on scrapbook supplies (which I didn't own any) and actually was able to get a couple pages of wedding pictures done. Though I'm nowhere near finished! But now that I have some of my own supplies I think it will be a lot of fun putting this album together myself.

After the expo I met up with Spencer at Jordan Commons. We got a quick lunch there and saw a movie; we ended up seeing Knowing. It was AWESOME! We thought it was going to be this big numerology thing, but it's actually about the prophecy in the book of Ezekiel, and it was SO COOL! Highly recommended.

That evening we went out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. It was yummy! He had a ribeye and I had the prime rib....it was way more than we could eat so we took leftovers home and ate them on saturday for breakfast. Best breakfast ever! Haha! The only problem was that I pushed myself way too hard on friday, and on saturday I got to pay for it! I was in SO MUCH pain on saturday; I could barely move. And I had absolutely no energy. We went to the grocery store and when we got back I couldn't even carry anything up the stairs. I was pretty miserable that day, only because I barely had the energy to stand. That gets in the way of things.

Sunday was pretty cool. I bought a new pair of earings. Solid pewter studs; they're little crosses with hearts in the middle. I never get to wear earrings because I'm usually allergic to them, but I'm not allergic to these! And then our sermon was awesome, as usual. We were finishing up the book of 2 Corinthians and it had a pretty strong message that Pastor Terry happened to feel very strongly about. By the end of our service (there are two others before us) he was starting to lose his voice from yelling so much. It was a very somber message, but you couldn't help laugh at the way he delivered it. It was awesome.

I'm attempting to feel more human now. It takes a couple hours for me to calm down each morning. I keep calling my doctor but she hasn't put anything through yet. Hopefully soon.

This Really Freaking Sucks

Ok so a little background information. Pure gold is a very soft metal. When they form gold to make jewelry (especially white gold) they mix the gold with other metals to make an allow. These are usually tin, zinc, copper, and, rarely, nickel. For those who don't already know this about me, I am very allergic to nickel.

So I was wondering why for the last two months that I've had this new ring, I've been having a reaction. My finger's been swollen and itching like crazy, and it's usually flaky and bleeding because I can't stop scratching it. I couldn't figure this out because it's gold and I'm not allergic to gold. Well apparently the jeweler I bought the ring from uses nickel in their gold alloy! And to top it all off, A STONE FELL OUT OF THE FREAKING RING! That's right. Not even TWO MONTHS after I bought the freaking thing, it's falling apart. Which doesn't seem to matter because I can't wear it anyway. This stupid ring has spent more time in their shop being fixed than it's spent on my finger. So I've decided that I'm going to ask* for a refund and take my business elsewhere. Again. Maybe I'm just not meant to have a ring.


There's a reason I'm so particularly freaked out about this. 10 days ago I went to the pharmacy to pick up my refill on my anxiety medication. When I got to the pharmacy they told me that my insurance was no longer going to cover the medication. This was on a friday night, so there was nothing i could to til monday. This whole last week I've been going back and forth between my doctor, the pharmacy, and the insurance company. Even though I've been on this dose of medication for 4 or 5 months now, the insurance company is saying that because it exceeds the "manufacturer's recommended dose" that they will not cover it. The only way around this is to have my doctor file an appeal, which she would be able to do if she hadn't called in sick last week. So I've been cold turkey off my medication for about 10 days now. I'm completely losing my mind. I've been having panic attacks every day, and sometimes two or three times in a day. I'm completely miserable, physically ill, and having a hell of a time functioning. And I don't know when it's going to be fixed.


Still No Medcine

Well, the insurance company has the paperwork they need from my doctor, but they still have not put my prescription through. I have now been cold turkey off my meds for 6 days, and let me say, I'm ready to kill something. I don't care if it's me, or someone else, but I am seriously on the verge. I've started having panic attacks again. Massive ones. Last night I thought I was going to end up at the hospital by the way I was feeling. I was hyperventilating, crying, and felt like there was a stone block with spikes in it resting on my chest. It was so painful. People don't think panic attacks can actually hurt, but believe me, they do. They are painful. I wasn't able to eat anything yesterday. I was nauseous and anxious as all hell and couldn't eat dinner. I slept like absolute crap last night. I was having a nightmare and I kept waking up and even though there were several blankets I was freezing. I woke up this morning in a really foul mood. I had another panic attack no the way to work, and was able to take some xanax when I got here and if it doesn't kick in soon I swear I'm going to throw myself through the freaking window. I'm having these really horrible, self-destructive feelings. I want to scratch myself and scream and beat the walls and just cause all sorts of mayhem. But I've settled with just crying. I am in so much physical pain I can't even describe it. Breathing hurts. Walking is miserable with this stupid bad knee of mine, which has been steadily getting worse over the last three weeks. I can barely walk! I just don't feel like I can function. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.



So I called in a refill of my anxiety medication, and when I went to pick it up I found out that my medical insurance decided that they don't want to cover it right now. After covering it for the last six months with no problem, they have all of a sudden decided that they need a prior authorization to continue covering it. I never got a letter or a phone call or anything, I got to find out when my medication ran out because I can only get a one-month supply. So now I'm cold turkey off my meds and let me tell you I am freaking out. My face is numb, I have a nasty headache, I feel completely disconnected from the world around me and I swear I want to scream. I feel anxious and horrible and like I'll never feel good again. This sucks.


More Ring Trouble

Well my ring is back in the shop again! The last six weeks I've had it, my finger has swelled up like crazy and has been itching so much it's driving me mad! I couldn't figure out why I was having an allergic reaction to gold which I'm supposed to be able to wear. So I took it back into the jewelry store this weekend and asked them if they knew what was going on and they figured out that when the ring was sized, it was nicked with one of their instruments and some metal was transfered onto the inside of the band. Apparently that metal contained nickel, because I'm itchy! Haha so they'll fix it, of course, and I can pick it up on tuesday. And after this, I don't care if anything else goes wrong I'm never giving it up again! In the meantime, I'm wearing this forget-me-knot ring that Spencer bought for me for Christmas a couple years ago. It's sterling silver in the shape of a knot. It's totally cute. But I still miss my wedding ring. But it'll be ok!


The Family Name

So the last couple months I've been getting more and more intersted in where I come from. I don't have a lot of information about my ancestors (only a few generations' worth) but what I have I hold on to very tightly in my heart.

My dad never wanted children. Don't get me wrong; he loves me and I know that he does, but I was unplanned. In the 70s, when the technology behind contraception was not very understood or safe, my mom had a copper IUD put in. She had it for several years, after which her doctor told her that it had caused her to become barren and she would never have anymore children. In 1983 when my parents married my dad didn't have a problem with this because he didn't want children anyway, so they didn't exactly take any precautions. In 1987, I came along. My dad was furious when he found out my mom was pregnant, but as soon as he saw me he loved me. And he's always been a wonderful father. He has never had any children since of course; I'm the only one.

I'm all grown up (in theory) and married now, and plan on having children of my own someday. But I, and my future children, will carry my husband's name. My dad has a brother who has sons, and who will carry on the Carlson name. If this makes any sense at all, I feel like my grandfather's name will be carried on, but not my father's. I'm sure that the last thing my father worries about is the fact that his legacy ends with me. But I feel almost like I'm letting him down somehow (like it's my fault I was born a girl and traditionally take my husband's name). My father and I have always been very close. I feel sad that my children will not carry on my father's name. It's not like this is a pressing issue; not like I'm going to have any children anytime soon! But lately it's been something I've been thinking about a lot. It makes me sad.


Awesome Sunday!

So the last few days I've been having some real emotional trouble. These really negative and really self-destructive thoughts keep forcing their way into my head, and I've been having trouble dealing with it. There are only two things that have been working to keep these thoughts out: One is if Spencer is touching me in some way. I was lying on the couch yesterday with this horrible headache, and he rested his hand on my head, and it was like this physical block that forced these thoughts out of my head. The other thing that has helped is reading my bible. If I keep my mind on the word and keep myself in prayer, it helps drive these thoughts away. I was really looking forward to church today so I could just immerse myself in the word of God and be completely safe from these thoughts. Service was awesome! Pastor Terry got off on a tangent about lifting up pain and bitterness and just giving it over to God. He said that if you wake up with that in you, you just have to give it up to God and let him have it. And the next morning when you wake up, it will be back. And you just have to lift it up to God again. He said that he hadn't gotten off on this track during first or second service, but he felt that there must be someone in third service that really needed to hear that. I just started crying because I knew that I was the person in the room that needed to hear it and I was so grateful God was able to speak to me through Terry. After service I went to visit my friend Becca (she attends second service and works with the kids during third service) and she was able to give me some great advice. She told me that I couldn't come to her for advice on anything, but to know that I might not like what she has to tell me because she's always going to point me back towards God and sometimes God tells us things we don't want to hear. That's fine with me! As far as I'm concerned my life is so much better when I stay with God, and I'm grateful for someone who will always point me back in that direction when I start to turn away.

After church Spencer and I went to visit my dad and Kalos, which was a really nice visit. I got lots of kisses from the dog! That always makes me feel good. Then we came home and I started on dinner. I made salmon. Spencer and I couldn't agree on what kind of salmon we wanted, so I cut the filet (which was huge) into two pieces and cooked them seperately. One I cooked with Yoshida's sauce (which is delicious) and one I cooked with lemon and dill. Yum! I also made a rice dish: basmati rice with peanuts, green onions, butter, turmeric, and a little bit of saffron. I've never actually cooked with saffron before; it's super expensive! It's about $30 an ounce, but it's very potent so a little goes a long way, and honestly how often am I going to use it? So it will last awhile. Saffron is gotten from the stamen of the crocus flower; a pretty purple flower that my mom used to grow in the garden when I was little. She would pick the saffron from the flower and use it in cooking. I got in a lot of trouble one time because I picked the pretty flowers and didn't realize that I could have saved my mom a lot of money by not picking the flowers! Haha. Good times. So all-in-all today was a good day. The only bad about it is I have to go back to work tomorrow.